closure

Where to begin.  A few weeks ago I got an email notification that there was a new comment on one of the posts here, and it brought me back.  When I looked at the stats and saw that it’s still getting 5 to 10 views a week, it freaked me out and I set it to private. A dear friend asked why, if people still want to read it.  I told him it was because it’s not me anymore.  That I felt like people were rooting for us and I let them down.  But he said if they are disappointed in me, it’s not my responsibility.  That it still might be helpful to others.  

One reason I’ve stayed away is because I thought it would make me sad.  For those of you who don’t know me personally, my family split up just over a year ago.  But I skimmed through this blog last night and what I saw was just how stressful that time was.  I saw major depression, which I didn’t recognize at the time.  I suspect that my physical symptoms of fibromyalgia may have been, in fact, depression.  I was reminded what a hell I struggled to fight my way out of daily.

Finances and depression weren’t the cause of our split, but I’m convinced they contributed.  Getting married at 19, growing apart, and dealing with the stress we were under in different ways were among the other numerous causes.

I was awake a lot last night after reading these posts.  And I realized this blog needs closure.

I left to stay with my mom last February.  The girls have been with me half-time ever since.  Michael and I have remained on good terms.  In May we moved to my Dharma center where I  work full-time. And last month we moved into a studio I’m renting from a friend. It’s the first place I’ve lived alone in my whole life, and I love it.  Michael got a full-time, good paying job the month we separated.  That was bittersweet.  The house was short-saled and he moved close to the beach, started surfing again, seeing his old friends. The girls still home-school, we all have health insurance, Cloey got her braces.

It’s been a big adjustment after 20 years.  I’ve never worked full-time in my life, and here I am now, just starting out.  I’m healthy and happier than I’ve been in a long time. That’s what I want to write about now.  

I haven’t been able to write for a year and a half, being in the middle of it all.  I feel like I’m just starting to peak my head out, the storms are passing.  I’m want to write again, there is so much I need to get out, so I started a new blog. I’m not sure if or when I’ll make it public.

So I’ll set this to public again, honor what my family went through during that time.  If I find myself consistently writing in my new blog, if the juices start flowing again, I’ll post the link here.

Much love and thank you for all the support and encouragement you gave during that time.

~s

afloat.

I don’t know why it’s taken me 4 days to post this on here. I think I’ve just been absorbing it. I’ve been working with our mortgage company for a year on applying for a home loan modification. Being self-employed, it’s hard to know what number they mean by “net”. Before the self-employment tax? After the home office expenses? Our tax person tells me they don’t even take any of these things into account, and there is no standard definition of “net”. And that no one she knows has been approved for a loan mod.

Once I gave them a number and they said we had a 2k surplus. The next time I gave them a number after taxes and write offs and they said our only option was to proceed with a short sale, that we can’t afford the house. In June I gave them a number right in the middle and they said we could apply.

After 2 months of faxing them the same things over and over, I got a letter Tuesday that they are taking $600 off our mortgage payment, and waiving the two months we owe and all the late fees. Our housing payment is now 30% of our income! The next payment isn’t due until Sept. 1st, but I sent it in that day, and now our next payment isn’t due until October. Anything we receive now can go toward catching up on other things, and the dentist for the girls. We are very confident that the worst is over. For the first time in 2 years, we don’t feel under water, we are afloat!

to stay.

“To stay with that shakiness—to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge—that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic—this is the spiritual path.” Pema Chodron

august break

Ok, here it is august 9th and i’m finally getting around to posting some photos.  We went to a reunion for my mom’s side of the family this weekend and i brought my mom’s camera home to get the pictures off of it for her.  There were two photos of me, but they weren’t good shots.  I looked at my albums on facebook and realized there are hardly ever any of me.  C offered to do a little photo shoot for me with S.  It was so fun!  I said to M, “These look like me!   Is this what i look like all the time?”  He looked at me like i was crazy and said “Of course!”

sometimes it’s like this.

sometimes life is less like surfing and more like riding a mountain bike down a steep steep trail with lots of rocks and i’m out of control.

sometimes it’s like this.

a little window opens, like  i just got a little gig that will be a  help, but it seems that when a little hope comes and i let my mind see the big picture it sees the deep hole we are in, and that the economy still doesn’t seem to be getting better and we are 2 months behind on our bills, and C needs braces and has a big hole in a permanent tooth, S needs to see the dentist too, and me and M haven’t been to the dentist since i don’t know when, much less been on a date, we haven’t had an oven for over a year and my camera is broken and they’ve never been to disneyland and i’ll need mammograms and things like that at some point, we can’t afford music lessons or drama much less to even think of saving for college and their friends are in europe and new york city and are getting their braces off, and the girls don’t understand why it’s different for them and we know others are worse off but no one we know is  and i want the best for them and i wonder if  children with more money have better opportunities and S’s room is an attic space where she can’t stand up fully and  i’m glad that they homeschool so i don’t have to feel bad that there is no “back to school ” shopping expected and i don’t remember what it felt like to be able to do things like that and i don’t know if i ever will again and  i’m tired and we are fed and rich and m has some work and i just got some work and we are still in our house due to the kindness of others and i feel ungrateful but i’m tired and  it’s hard to be present  and i escape into writing and books and  i wonder if i’m missing something but when the distractions go away and i let myself wonder if this will go on and on   my face crumples and i say “i’m going take a bath” before anyone sees and i let the water run very hot and i weep.

yay!

I’ve wanted desperately to help with income.  But i haven’t worked for pay for 13 years. I don’t have a degree. I don’t have time. M earns 8 times the minimum hourly wage (if only he were paid for every hour he worked!). Even if i worked 20 hours a week, it would only take him losing  a day’s work (over the course of a month) taking up the slack to make it not worth it.

I was telling him a few weeks ago of ways i’d thought of to make money, but none would be right away or guaranteed. They all felt desperate and forced.

The  next day I was doing my meditation practice , and thinking about how i wanted to help bring in income, and that the reasons all my ideas feel forced is because i haven’t created the karmic causes for them. That all i can do is continue my practice, removing negative karma and obstacles, and creating positive energy for success.

A few hours later i heard the front gate open. Keep in mind that we are so far out here, people just don’t drop by. Who walked up, but a dear friend.  He and his wife and children have been friends of ours since we started going to Family Camp 5 years ago.  He was hand delivering a payment for some web work m did for him. We started talking, and he needs help with his business ~ non-toxic sustainable wood flooring and rugs from Nepal.  He’s been interviewing people and hasn’t found anyone. It can be done from home, with flexible hours. “I don’t have a resume”, i say… “You don’t need a resume!” he replies…”I know you!”

I met with him this morning, and it’s a perfect fit – i have a job, and get to help our friends!

the big waves

Just a quick note – just back from camp, which was mind-blowing, heartbreakingly juicy.  Every time I immerse myself in the energy there, it’s as though layers of junk gets peeled away.  The first few times it was quite painful, but knowing it was necessary made it a ‘good’ pain, if you know what i mean.  Now i still can’t spend time there without tears washing away lifetimes of dirt, but now the tears are more joyful.  I get filled up to overflowing there, and come home with so much more to give. The connections we make there go so so deep.   As we all stood around the stupa at the end we  were crying, adults and children alike.   Tears are just as contagious as giggles.  But we will be together again.  Now here i am, back at the house, feeling raw and new and fresh and clear.  And unconditionally loved.

One thing that became clear is that i am going to do a month of nanowrimo in August (starting today!).  The words are just bursting to come flowing out, and i’m excited to take out the damn and let them come.  In nanowrimo you write 1500 words a day privately without going back, no editing. When you are done, you have the rough draft of a book.  It isn’t November, when nanowrimo is traditionally done with a worldwide community of writers, but a few friends from camp are going to be doing it along with me, so we will be of support to each other and keep each other accountable.  It  means I will be doing a very loose version of the  August Break .

I also want to address finances.  That is the foundation this blog was built on, and the feedback i get is that this is why many of you read it.  I feel a certain obligation to talk about it.  But the fact is, it’s not the first thing on my mind anymore.  Life is so rich.  I don’t have any complaints.  To dwell on any perceived ‘lack’ just feels ungrateful. I’m so happy!  So i figure, since the subtitle is “on being broke and happy”, it’s ok to focus on the happy part!

It is still quite scary at times, and not much has changed.  But we have everything we need today.  I’ve learned to plan better so that we have gas in the tank and food in the cupboards, even before we pay the bills.  I make sure our utilities don’t get shut off, so there isn’t really anything interesting to write about.  We are in a good position because Michael hasn’t lost his job.  He is making  the equivalent to what one would make at a decent job.  And every day carries the potential to make more.  It’s just that income is down 50% from 2 years ago.  Our expenses have been cut a lot, and opportunities are coming to me to bring in funds, which makes me very hopeful and feels empowering.

I’m really blissed out by the chance we’re getting to work with this uncertainty.  I talked to a friend today about how it’s like surfing, and she said all of life is like surfing. I said, well, this is like surfing the big waves.

off we go!

I’m so excited, i have something brewing…so i if i seem a little distracted from here, this is why.  I’m  writing something i don’t know will ever see the light of day, but it doesn’t really matter.   I’ve always wanted to be a ‘writer’ for some reason, love words, turns of phrase, love reading, love reading books about writing…LOVE semi-colons – i have to hold myself back from overusing them.  People tell me i can write, it seems to come easily.   But this is the first time i’ve felt like i have to write.  I’m starting to believe this writing thing could actually be for real.

This afternoon we’re off to Family Camp, it’s our 5th year.  It’ll be four days away from screens and phone calls and bills;  four days deep in the woods with like-minded spirits, meditating and communicating deeply with other parents as our children form a tribe and get in touch with themselves and each other in this sacred space.   The land is the home of Lama Yeshe’s  cremation stupa, and the leaders of the camp were close students of Lama.  His energy permeates the land always, but most especially when there are children running around.  When we dance in the meditation hall to “Hound Dog”, we can almost see him there with us, hear him laughing joyously.

C is 13 now, and so excited to be a Jr. counselor.  She’s already counting the years until she can be a full-fledged counselor.  I’m so happy my family has this space to come to every summer, we are so very blessed.  Everyone there is like a second family, truly.

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend, Big Love to you all!

edit: Being in the situation we’re in, and me being me, i just have to explain   how we are able to go to Family Camp.  I manage the bookstore there, and my husband is redoing their website as a work exchange.  This works out so great for all of us, because I get a staff discount when I attend events there, and whatever we would pay normally  is covered by the work M is doing for them. Anyway, they are family, and as they always say “no one is ever turned away for lack of funds”. 

a month in photos

August always tends to be a laid back month.  April, May, June, July are jam packed, but when events start to trickle in for August, i tend to hold it more spaciously, to say no.   Last year i spent it in home retreat; with the help of m, i didn’t leave the house ,  talk on the phone, go on the computer, read any fiction, watch any movies or TV. It still went faster than one would imagine!

This year I hadn’t quite decided what to do with the spaciousness i’ve held around August.  I thought about doing my own nanawrimo, because i have a book in me that keeps trying to get out.  i’ve always wanted to do it but this november i’ll be doing a 10 day retreat.

Then i saw this.

I’m terrible about documenting our life with pictures.  I have good intentions, but then i usually forget and rely on others.  This looks like a good opportunity to be mindful, to pay attention to what’s around me, to make a commitment for August.  The photos may not be great, and i may miss days and that’ll be ok.  Join me if you’d like, and let me know so I can check out your pics!

joy in uncertainty

The deeper that sorrow carves into your
being, the more joy you can contain.  ~ The Prophet

Good news!  Due to the kindness of others, I’m going to Pema Chodren’s “Smile at Fear” retreat, that I mentioned in my last post, for my birthday in October!  I’ll get all the answers there and report back to you ; )

The summer has been magnificent.  I am finding so much joy in small things; my life is rich with sun and flowers and swimming and happy girls,  reading books I fall in love with on page 2, seeing family I haven’t seen in 20 years, the smell of honeysuckle, running on country roads in the mornings, good health and energy… it’s as though as low as I sank into depression last winter, that’s how much I appreciate things now.

Before last winter, even when I wasn’t in pain and depressed, I wasn’t enjoying life much.  I felt guilty when I did.  My mentor and my Lama both told me to find joy, to enjoy my life, but I didn’t know how without trying to twist things into the shape I wanted them to be.  Living in uncertainty is teaching me to take things as they come each day, without trying to hang on.  As I paint the kitchen cabinets robins-egg blue and plant the vine next to the woodshed, I wonder if I will be here as an old lady , or if the new people in this house will like them; either way is ok.

When I think of next winter I get anxious and teary.  I’m afraid of the dark tunnel of depression, of my illness coming back.  But I remind myself, I’m exercising now, I’m not sick right now, and my DOM has told me she has some supplements to get me through the winter.

Today we have been prepping for C’s 13th birthday party tomorrow.   We will have a gaggle of girls here overnight, hopped up on s’mores and strawberry shortcake.

(Financial update for the curious:  Michael still has work, clients still take a long time to pay.  Nothing much has changed.   I rack my brain trying to figure out how I can bring in money.  I’m jealous of women who have skills that people will pay for.  I wonder about our choices that brought us to this point.  I’m still edgy, mostly in the middle of the night.   Make prayers for us if you like.)