sometimes life is less like surfing and more like riding a mountain bike down a steep steep trail with lots of rocks and i’m out of control.
sometimes it’s like this.
a little window opens, like i just got a little gig that will be a help, but it seems that when a little hope comes and i let my mind see the big picture it sees the deep hole we are in, and that the economy still doesn’t seem to be getting better and we are 2 months behind on our bills, and C needs braces and has a big hole in a permanent tooth, S needs to see the dentist too, and me and M haven’t been to the dentist since i don’t know when, much less been on a date, we haven’t had an oven for over a year and my camera is broken and they’ve never been to disneyland and i’ll need mammograms and things like that at some point, we can’t afford music lessons or drama much less to even think of saving for college and their friends are in europe and new york city and are getting their braces off, and the girls don’t understand why it’s different for them and we know others are worse off but no one we know is and i want the best for them and i wonder if children with more money have better opportunities and S’s room is an attic space where she can’t stand up fully and i’m glad that they homeschool so i don’t have to feel bad that there is no “back to school ” shopping expected and i don’t remember what it felt like to be able to do things like that and i don’t know if i ever will again and i’m tired and we are fed and rich and m has some work and i just got some work and we are still in our house due to the kindness of others and i feel ungrateful but i’m tired and it’s hard to be present and i escape into writing and books and i wonder if i’m missing something but when the distractions go away and i let myself wonder if this will go on and on my face crumples and i say “i’m going take a bath” before anyone sees and i let the water run very hot and i weep.
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August 8, 2010 at 7:24 pm
Daisy
Empowered is good! Grateful is good! Occasional glum times are human and fortunately they don’t last. Impermanence rules
August 8, 2010 at 8:09 pm
sparker
crying released some built up tension. impermanence does rule!!!
xo
August 8, 2010 at 7:08 pm
Megsie
Oh, Sara~ I know how that is. I do the same thing. And once those thoughts creep in, it is hard to kick them right back out again. The thing is, there is only so much you can control right now. And, you are doing a fantastic job with what you can control. The other stuff, well. It is scary, because there is nothing you can do about it. You can only do what you are able to do, and now you have taken a little step into controlling one more little thing. Good for you! So, let yourself sob, and have a pity party. You deserve to honor all of those negative feelings sometimes. Then, pack them back up into their nice box and put them aside. Maybe you will be able to open the box and take one more little thing out again soon, but if not, you are doing everything you are able to do. Sending Hugs…
August 8, 2010 at 8:11 pm
sparker
thank you meg, i think pity parties are ok once in a while, these are all thoughts that lie underneath, so i just let them out to play for a little while. thanks for your support!
August 8, 2010 at 6:15 pm
Daisy
When something good happens (you have a job) then concentrate on that and not all the negative stuff.
August 8, 2010 at 6:30 pm
sparker
99.9% of the time i can, but i get just tired. i’m better now, but i just wanted to be truthful; it isn’t always easy. and if work doesn’t pick up for m, the work i got isn’t really going to make much difference. but it does make me feel empowered, and i am grateful